Thursday, January 17, 2008

I Am In A State of Brokeness

(Psalm 51:17 ) The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, Thou wilt not despise.

I am in a state of brokenness. It is not a path I have walked before. It started when I arrived at IHOP and each week it goes deeper into my spirit and all I can say to God now is, “I am undone by You”.

In November I was wrecked with the deep groans in my spirit for this paradigm and revelation to grip my pastor back home. I came to IHOP thinking I would be equipped to bring this to Columbus, Ohio. God is wrecking me for anything but Him. Honestly I don’t know if I can adequately explain the inner workings of His Spirit inside me but I will try. After a few weeks of adjusting to a life of full time intercession and worship I was won over, I didn’t want to be or go anywhere else in the world. I found the reason why I was created and for whom I totally belonged to. Oh you may say everyone knows that, well sure intellectually I can quote doctrine and theology and know all the right things to say to sound “spiritual” but the fact is my entire relationship with God was revolving around ministry. I am finding residues of that everyday as I somehow measured God’s pleasure with me by what I accomplished for Him. How sad but true for most of the church. I am ashamed and yet exhilarated to discover this new found intimate relationship with My Father, My Lord and now My Friend. I spend my days in a press past my flesh and all my pre conceived ideas to discover what is God’s plan and desire for this world around me. As November turned into December and my personal money was all but gone, I found myself faced with choices that would determine whether or not I am going to make it here. Each choice was an opportunity for me to die to self and pick up the cross. Such an overused statement in Christianity but I discovered truly I was on the altar dying to myself, choice after choice, saying Yes to the Lord. The decisions became more difficult as they were putting my trust in God and not me. I had always fallen back on my abilities and talents to navigate my way through difficult times. Suddenly I was faced with a choice, God’s way or my way! Thankfully I have chosen His way, even though friends and family are not supporting me and in fact some are persecuting me. But I can not let that effect me, I must continue to say Yes to God.

Amazingly what I find alongside these difficult choices is I am drawing closer to this Love of my Life, Jesus. I am unveiling His Heart to my soul and learning how He wants to operate His governmental authority through intercession and worship in the earth. It is beyond anything I have ever experienced and it makes getting up at 5am every day worth it. I have to pursue it, chase it down and stay in there, in the presence of God when it’s difficult and barren and my outward man is screaming, yet I want to be nowhere else.

The days turn to months and in December we began a concerted effort to launch in the spirit the 2007 onething conference in Kansas City. It was during these times of intercession I transitioned into discovering a realm of God’s Love for this generation that brought pain to my heart. I ached for them as He filled me with His heart and desires.I was always passionate for the youth, having some incredible youth in my life back home who keep me drawing on God for their lives. But this was another level, it was painful and yet lovely and beyond description. To culminate this season, I found myself ushering at every service in the conference and in the front rows right in front of the stage. Every day, all day long I was gazing adoringly on a generation that would “do anything” to have a touch from God. They would stand for hours and hours basking in His Glory, hanging on every word spoken and note sung. God exceeded anything I could have ever imagined. Top that with an anointing that permeated the building tangibly like a cloud of Glory. Day after day, service after service I witnessed transformed lives and laid my eyes on creative youths of every genre all commonly surrendering their entire life and being to a Holy God. I will never be the same!

I returned to the prayer room at the end of the conference to continue this full time life of intercession day and night. The focus was now on The Call in my home state of Ohio. This was very personal for me, and sometimes I found I was too emotionally connected and had to step back. Emotions are normal but they can cloud judgment in prayer. Something had happened to me during the onething conference and the Call, I had encountered this Holy God who was warning me now of the judgments coming to our nation if we do not repent and change. This reality drew out a powerful move of pleading the blood of Jesus over the city gates and the churches in the state of Ohio. I was capturing glimpses of the judgments of God for sin in the church and it was wrecking me, I was undone and unable to pray the everyday prayers. I was gripped with need for God and His intervention. There were days and still are when I am so overwhelmed I can hardly utter a word. I am gripped beyond my understanding and forever before His face asking How do I Pray for this? I can not pray the way I used to, I must know How to Pray for this? The Call was beyond anything I could imagine. God’s glory was filling the entire Banks Arena and for the first 6 hours they laid on the cement crying out to God for forgiveness, repenting and crying out to Him for Mercy. Again I am touched in the deepest part of my being and I am at a loss for words to describe it. It seems the closer I get to Him the less I have to say. I am in this state of brokenness for our nation, His Bride and this precious global prayer movement. I am undone and at the end of me, God you must show me How to pray for what you are showing me. I must understand the big picture and see into the future to help me comprehend how to pray. I just can’t even pray the same way without my own sin so wretched before me. I cry out to God how can you want me in this place of intimacy when I am so filthy, selfish, self centered and prideful? I cry for Mercy and Grace for myself and for our nation. Jesus, I plead your blood over my sins and the sins of my nation, God end abortion and send revival to America.

I can hardly cry for revival anymore the same way because I know with the outpouring of God comes the judgment of sin and His Glory. It’s a weighty outpouring, one that brings conviction of sin and one that brings cleansing but also judgment. Are we really ready for it? I want Mercy now to cover us and give us the chance to repent and turn before the Glory comes. There is a healthy dose of the fear of the Lord in my spirit and I want it fresh and anew every day so that I can stay in this place of brokenness.

Every revival that shook cities and nations were revivals of brokenness and weeping over sin. I know as Americans we say we want the miracles and signs but even Jesus said you will not get a sign because you already have one in Jonah. Who, when faced with judgment, tried to hide in the oceans. We are not ready for the “real” outpouring of God but I want it and I know the goodness of God, He will prepare us for it! Oh God send your Mercy to America and continue to break my heart with what breaks your heart!

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